still feeling my way around in the darkpatience is a virtue that i do not have. i am so thankful of songwriters like corrinne may, who can turn my mood around by such insightful and speaking lyrics.
the song being none other than 'everything in its time'. somehow i was left stranded wondering what exactly am i doing with my life, and the following 3 and a half years there is to follow. i wonder whether retaking the A levels would have been a wise choice. should i believe that everything happens for a reason? yet this time i think it's solely myself to blame for not studying hard in pursuit of my goal. and yet i also ask myself 'why the heck must i choose such a stupendously hard to reach goal?', 'lazy people should choose easier goals!', so much easier for me to acheive.
and another part of me is
struggling to believe that perhaps everything does happen for a reason. the whole philosophical part is too complex for a mere human being to comprehend. does everything happen for a reason? or do people say that to console themselves? because from my circumstance, i feel that i am solely to blame for my lacklustre results. there are just so many things that the more we know, the more we think about, in actual fact, the less we know. the awareness that we know so so little,
is just so humbling, that we are made to feel so small in this universe.
anyway back to the topic. i guess the only thing i can do now is be patient, and just ride these 3 and half years more out. if it is God's will that i should become a doctor someday, then i will become one. if not, i can only pray that i will be able to accept that reality.
and sometimes i wonder, should i just totally forsake my dream of becoming a physician? i missed the entry point for aussie unis by 1 point, only 1 point! coincidence or sign? i don't know. to be patient, or to forsake my goal? i am clueless.
i don't understand why i think so much. i wish i thought less, yet if i did, i know i won't be truly me.
sigh.
such is the paradox of life, or at least my life.
