i
how tiny i am

after a darn lousy paper, you step out blaming everyone - the setter, the invigilator who took so long to give you paper, your teachers, and God.

for me, it'll be God.

but the end of it all, i can't blame Him. cos He's so almighty. and i'm like a little ant that can be squashed in His presence. so i screwed nearly every paper i took... and i won't and can't blame Him. because what good He bestows upon me is a gift, not to be taken for granted (which i think i have) and meant to be treasured. and it's silly, blaming God for your failure, because it is MY failure, MY fault, MY paper, MY life.

the fact is: I screwed up, it's I, not We, me and only ME.

and the funny thing is, i don't know what attitude i should have? everything i walk into school, i feel that there's a chip on my shoulder. do i really show that 'heck care', flippant attitude on the surface that it's starting to dissolve in? because i really do care, in fact, i think i care even more than most people - about the people around me, my grades, my ambition.

sadly, i doubt i think i'm going to let everyone around me down (yes, those people that have faith in me). and with lousy grades, i'm definintely not going to become what i dreamt of becoming.

sigh, i think i dream too much for my own good.

now i'm wondering what should i do with my life.

guide me Lord, help me somehow pull my grades to ABB.

i still got a few papers left, hope i can still salvage a decent A level result slip.

i still have the desire and hunger!

and i'm sorry for being such a lousy catholic. no, i'm not saying this because i want the good grades, but because this period has taught me to believe in you more.

it's funny how one lousy paper after the next can get me down so bad, i feel like throwing in the towel and just say 'i don't want to believe in You anymore'. but no, something draws me back to you, i guess it's because something in me knows your my inner source of strength. without You Lord, i'm nothing... ZILT!

maybe i'm too much of a realist, going by my papers i've just completed, the best grade i can achieve is ACC, and i do not want a c at all. and i'm going to throw away this over pragmatic part of me and believe in miracles.