fcuked up

something doesn't go your way, the positive outlook you can have is that maybe it's meant for the better. but how if things don't go your way all at once? is it meant to test your mettle? how are you supposed to console yourself? it's like you seem to be even more distant from your ambition; something you've been hoping so so much for, and yet there are so many factors that are drawing you further from your goal. so right, maybe it's not meant to be, fuck man, i hate that, i don't want to resign to fate, shouldn't we at least have the fucking liberty to choose? so what if you poured in your guts? IF IT'S NOT MEANT TO BE, it's not meant to be, why go against it? but crap, we HAVE the freedom to choose don't we? people say if we really want something, we'll get it, but i'm finding myself being pushed into a corner, all the factors, past and present all cumulating, poised to form an avalanche and crush me with it's weight.

it's suffocating; everything that happening, i don't know how much more of it i can take... be strong, be strong, you'll press through somehow, but crap, being able to take med means so so so much to me, it's like a finality in itself somehow... don't tell me i can't do it, like from the words of tony: 'they didn't even give you a chance', how the fuck would they know you can do it? if you never try, you yourself won't know! the best part is you TRIED but no willing prick gave you a chance, so what should you do? wallow in despair? yea, maybe, cos if you worked your guts out, i don't think that anyone, NOT ANYONE should deny you of a chance. the thing is, i'm too scared to work my guts out, cos i know there has to be some sort of brilliance involved besides working like fuck, and crap i did study sufficiently for my latest block tests and look where in the cesspit it lead me? i expected Cs and Ds at least, look where it got me, okay, maybe not for math but chem and bio. i guess the one which i spent the least effort got me the farthest - gp (at a mere 57.5%) and it could have been better.

tell me, how far am i from my goal... compare FOC to AAA A1/A2. tell me? maybe i can't do it, maybe i'm just a fucktard, i don't know, someone tell me. i'm starting to lose faith in myself, seriously.

then there has to be the nationals, i don't know what i'll do if cj gets through, if we both win hc. maybe it's better if hc wins...

like what i told grace, it's a cumulation of factors that can really stress me up, seriously it is. oh yea, i nearly forgot my old friendship problem (slaps forehead), impossibly so how can i forget these problems that have been at the back at my mind; plaguing me incessantly, such is the trouble of my current problems...

today for one, is quite a bad day, monday = lecture day. i didn't bring my notes for the 2 lects i went for; didn't even bother listening during bio (simply couldn't concentrate) and as for math (which i brought the notes), i didn't even attend lect. i guess the only good thing today was skipping math lect (much more productive that going for it) and tennis.

i suppose the rest of my day was crap, actually i can't remember -> i'm trying to induce temporary amnesia upon myself. what the heck am i doing, self deluding myself?

(if you don't understand my thoughts in the above entry, pardon me, my mind is suffering from internal strife, just like my bloody life)

a quote from julius caesar, the infamous line 'you blocks, you stones, you worst than senseless things' -> me.